i'm gonna give you breathing space, i've learned. i'll text you every once every while to remind you that i love you. but for now, i don't like annoying you, squeezing everything out of you, so i won't. you promised you'd love me forever, and i still believe it.

i always thought virginity wasnt a big deal, that it didnt matter who you lost it to, or when you lost it. but, im damn fucking lucky i lost it to my first love, because after the break up, after all the arguing and everything, i gave him something i cant ever give to anyone else, and its another string tying me down to him. i tell myself i need to move on, i tell myself that i will, but the memories always kick back in and no one can quite compare to him. i know that if i do go off with another guy, the things him and i had will always be in the back of my mind.all in all, i do love him and i do want to be with him. i do feel like im trying to do everything for him and that in return, he does walk all over me, but i let him and everyone sees it. you say youre busy, but i just think youre too busy to have a girlfriend. idk, shits hard.

it's been a while.

abbie. there, are you happy? i wrote your name in this. -_-

it's been a while. it's been a while since i've written to you. it's been a while since we've had one of those long heartfelt cute conversations. it's been a while since i've seen you. it's been a while since i've seen your smile. it's been a while since i've kissed you and hugged you. it's gonna be two months since i've last kissed you. i remember it. we turned back for one last kiss at the same time. you looked so cute that day. i remember laying in the grass with you, laying ontop of eachother, laughing at nothing. it's all fuzzy to me, like a perfect dream. i miss it. i miss being with you. i miss counting down days to when we'd see eachother. i miss IMing you and calling you all the time, and knowing i wasnt annoying you. i miss us. i miss how perfect we were. it's gonna be five months, alex. i'm excited. are you? no one believes we'll make it. no one believes we're going to get back together, but i do, and i hope you do, too. these have been the longest days of my life. it's been hard, i havent cried much because i know if i do, i'll never be okay. but i cried those first couple days, i cried in front of my parents often. i stopped caring about whether they knew i was broken or not. i'd crack and freak on them, and they'd take it because they knew i had my heart broken. i remember feeling so empty and alone. i walked through sunset alone two days after it happened, and thats when it hit me. for 20 minutes, i walked around alone, remembering the halls you and i walked through, the times we were there. the movie theater. the line, all the way to the left, right where we first met. i was alone and for once, i didnt have you by my side, holding my hand. they sat me down infront of the fountain by zumies and asked me what really happened between you and i. i told perry and them i didnt want to talk about it, because i'd cry. and i did. but i didnt let them see. it was hard, real hard. but it was worth it. i always believed it'd be worth it one day. i never stopped trying. i text you everyday. made sure i was cute enough, without annoying you, although i know i did. "its fucking over dude, im sorry" i see those words in my head all the time. i sound crazy, but i am. i've changed since it happened. i'm not myself. i can't pinpoint it, but i know something isnt right. you're supposed to be in my life. that's how it's always been. thats how we planned our lives out to be. alexander and dani, forever. always. but forever came quick and it seemed like every sad song on the radio reminded me of you and for the first few days, whenever meet me half way, i'd scream and kick and yelll to my parents to change it before it even started. it's kinda weird; how you seem like a stranger to me now. you're slowly coming back, i can feel it, but it's just different. i put your bracelet back on, by the way. i remember to always have it on. i get all emotional when i look at it, its weird. i want to hold you so bad /: hug and squeeze you reaaaaaaaal tight. i have a headache from thinking so hard about the memories, but i dont care. i wish i could kiss you again. those small cute kisses. the ones that made me smile. i always think about how your fingers fit perfectly in mine and how when im with you, i feel like i'm on top of the world. i hate seeing our relationship statuses because it's not right. we belong together. i changed your name on aim back to "The Love of my Life" because that's what you are. you mean the world to me, alexander. you and i went through hell but it doesnt matter. we still love eachother, right? isn't that what counts? i dont know. i dont know anything anymore. all i know is that i want you. i want to be with you. i want to be yours as long as i'm living. when i die, i'll be happy because i lived a long and happy life with you. and thats what i want, i want to marry you, have babies with you and grow old with you. i want to wake up every morning next to you, kiss you before i go to sleep every night. smile at you knowing i was right about us, i was right about us making it to forever. it seems so cliche and dumb to say because we're so young and so crazy in love. everyone told m to let go, by the way. all of my older friends would tell me to live it up, and fuck anyone i wanted, because i was still young. and that sounds good, thats what my life was; finding my temporary love. but, i dont want any of that. i had that. i had that for a long time. i've lived both lives, and i like being with you better. a lot better. i'm happier. you make me so incredibly happy. and you can make me so incredibly depressed. i thought i was never going to forgive you for that message, but i did, almost immediately. three days later, you IMed me. i froze, i couldnt breathe, legit, and i got goosebumps all through my arms. i didnt believe it. you came back.

i know i talk about it a lot and it's all over my formspring, but the sex isnt important to me. it may seem like it, but its not. honestly, the only thing that matters is being with you. hugging you. kissing you. holding your hand. i dont need sex. i dont need any of the things you and i do when we spend time alone. it means nothing to me. it satisfies me for the moment. i want your love. thats all i want. thats what i need.

i have no clue where you are because youre not on facebook and youre not replying to my IMs or texts. but, i love you, alexander.im hoping we get to talk on the phone tonight, like i've been dying to all week. i love you i lvoe you i vhtrkjr i love you so much. :|